I realise that i say this so many times over and over again. its got to be today, oh god look where i am. i'm so fat, blah blah blah. Well bollocks to all those times because i am exactly back where i started, if not possibly worse.
I feel so ashamed of myself. I can't believe i actually let myself get back here. My self esteem is low, not as low as it once was, but its back to the point where i'm hoping people don't have photos of me encase i look fat.
My only saving grace that i have the personality that i developed as a 'thinner' person. The confidence and the self belief. (although its hard to see and feel at the moment). I've started seeing Matt Bennett, who is a hot 23 year old. Things are complicated, this is me, nothing is simple. He broke up with his fiancee at xmas and technically isn't actually at uni anymore as he is intermitting. He pops back regularly and he is texting me every other day or so which are good signs. I say i'm not looking for anything serious, but if he developed into it, then i wouldnt say no.
However i am supposed to be moving to the middland, which could make things difficult. But we are getting way ahead of ourselves know arent we sarah. Back to the problem at hand.
The weight. Yes so i am what 15stone again or soemthing sick like that. fat fat fat fat fat. how do i get rid of it? I have no idea. Problem being that every time i think about diets i end up with my fingers down my throat. I NEEEEEED to exercise but its just so fucked, i'm too embaressed to go to the uni gym and its too expensive to go swimming. I can't run. I feel like im jus making excuse upon excuse to stay fat. Its a comfort to eat food and its comfortable to be miserable. I no this from Ed, he loved his depression, its what he knew, and escaping it was unknown and uncomfortable.
I guess i need to make small steps. maybe if i go out for an hours walk everyday its SOMETHING active. Jus with exam period SO close, me very stressed and not done anything yet, i feel so trapped.
Once they are over, maybe i can get my head around it. But then it will be too late to look stunning at the ball because ill only have a week. ARGH. i need some selfconfidence and i need it fast!!
