this song is summing up how i feel right now

Nickleback - Gotta Be Somebody

This time I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life
The one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I´ll be waiting for the real thing.
I'll know it by the feeling.
The moment when we´re meeting
Will play out like a scene straight off the silver screen
So I`ll be holdin’ my breath
Right up to the end
Until that moment when
I find the one that I'll spend forever with

`Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There`s gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere.
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

Tonight out on the street out in the moonlight
And damn it this feels too right
It´s just like Déjà Vu
Me standin’ here with you
So I´ll be holdin`my breath
Could this be the end?
Is it that moment when
I find the one that I spend forever with?

‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There´s gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

You can´t give up!
When you're Lookin´ for a diamond in the rough
Because you never know when it shows up
Make sure you´re holdin` on
‘Cause it could be the one, the one you´re waiting on

‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There's gotta be somebody for me
Ohhhhhh.

Nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There `s gotta be somebody for me out there.

Nobody wants to be the last one there
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There's gotta be somebody for me out there.

whats odd is there is a guy who feels like that, that i no and i talk to. we go out for coffee n get along well. but i dont like him like that. and its hard to explain to anyone. but i have to tel him so he doesnt get the wrong idea. but how do u find the words?

I realise that i say this so many times over and over again. its got to be today, oh god look where i am. i'm so fat, blah blah blah. Well bollocks to all those times because i am exactly back where i started, if not possibly worse.

I feel so ashamed of myself. I can't believe i actually let myself get back here. My self esteem is low, not as low as it once was, but its back to the point where i'm hoping people don't have photos of me encase i look fat.

My only saving grace that i have the personality that i developed as a 'thinner' person. The confidence and the self belief. (although its hard to see and feel at the moment). I've started seeing Matt Bennett, who is a hot 23 year old. Things are complicated, this is me, nothing is simple. He broke up with his fiancee at xmas and technically isn't actually at uni anymore as he is intermitting. He pops back regularly and he is texting me every other day or so which are good signs. I say i'm not looking for anything serious, but if he developed into it, then i wouldnt say no.

However i am supposed to be moving to the middland, which could make things difficult. But we are getting way ahead of ourselves know arent we sarah. Back to the problem at hand.

The weight. Yes so i am what 15stone again or soemthing sick like that. fat fat fat fat fat. how do i get rid of it? I have no idea. Problem being that every time i think about diets i end up with my fingers down my throat. I NEEEEEED to exercise but its just so fucked, i'm too embaressed to go to the uni gym and its too expensive to go swimming. I can't run. I feel like im jus making excuse upon excuse to stay fat. Its a comfort to eat food and its comfortable to be miserable. I no this from Ed, he loved his depression, its what he knew, and escaping it was unknown and uncomfortable.

I guess i need to make small steps. maybe if i go out for an hours walk everyday its SOMETHING active. Jus with exam period SO close, me very stressed and not done anything yet, i feel so trapped.

Once they are over, maybe i can get my head around it. But then it will be too late to look stunning at the ball because ill only have a week. ARGH. i need some selfconfidence and i need it fast!!

ooooooooo exciting news....
i guy i pulled a few weeks back that i instantly got sparks off when i first met him has started texting me totally unprovoked.
ok he probably just wants a shag, but you no what. i dont care!

I was having a right positive day and that made it even better! whoop!

I did a 30min areboic work out today, and im going gym/swimming tomorrow and then sitting myself in the spa (if its not too much money). i cant wait!

I then intend to come back to campus and get some reading/work done/organised.

I feel motivated and its good to be!